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Everybody Needs A Robot

from Goodbye Planet Earth by Matthew Ebel

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Everybody needs a robot- something I have always said.
Everybody needs a friend who’s got shiny metal head.
Everybody needs a robot, even if you’ve found someone.
Now and then you need a friend with hormones made from Mobil 1.

They never need to do their hair
or change their metal underwear
and robots never seem to care
if you stay out ’till one.
They never seem to get depressed
unless they’re stressed, and frankly that’s less
common than a politician
shooting at a friend with someone’s gun.

Everybody needs a robot that will tell you you’re the best.
Even narcissists and rappers need to get things off their chest.
Everybody needs a robot, that’s a simple fact of life.
Ira Levin even found a way to make one for a wife.

They dance a funky robot way
caucasians try to imitate
but mostly just humiliate
themselves and all their friends.
They mop the floor inside your home
and call you on the telephone
when you’re alone to ask you if you’d
like to own a used Mercedes-Benz

Everybody needs a robot, robots never make you cry.
Human friends will wither, but your robot pal will never die.
Everybody needs a robot with some shiny little lights
so that you can see if there’s a robot watching you at night.

They shave our beards and wake us up,
they fill your empty coffee cup
and when you want them to shut up
just turn their volume down.
They scan your luggage and your school,
they take your cash when you refuel
and even clean your swimming pool
’cause if you held your breath that long you’d drown.
(Break it down…)


Everybody needs a robot on the dashboard of their car.
If you try to drive yourself you won’t be getting very far.
(Turn left now.)
Everybody needs a robot, artificial friends are neat.
Just like every robot needs a friend who’s mostly made of meat.

Some are tiny, some are pocket-sized,
and some are damn-near rocket-sized.
In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they were bigger still.
They make our cars, they heal our cuts,
they even save our fleshy butts
from other robots who’ve gone nuts and
come here from the future dressed to kill.

Music and Lyrics © Matthew Ebel Entertainment


from Goodbye Planet Earth, released November 1, 2007




Matthew Ebel Seattle, Washington

I call myself a piano rocker, but I’m really just kind of a goofball. I’ve been playing the piano since age 5, discovered electronic music at 12, and made this stuff my career in '99. Since then I’ve played the Grand Ole Opry, been quoted in Rolling Stone, and made a name for myself in new media. I’ve been playing piano rock full-time since 2007 and since then I’ve never looked back. ... more

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