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Mister Speaker

from Cognitive Dissonance by Matthew Ebel

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Mister Speaker can you tell me what to do?
I'm really in a hell of a pickle.
I've got these children and they're driving me insane;
they're arrogant and pushy and fickle.
I give them everything but that just ain't enough,
they're always taking cash from the neighbors.
Their chores are basic but they always blow them off;
they owe their donors too many favors.

Their lives are easy but they don't even show up for their classes.
They're old enough to drive, but I'm still wiping their asses.
Mister Speaker, Mister Speaker what the hell do I do?

Mister Speaker can I kindly pick your brain?
I've got to mitigate a disaster.
I wanted order, but it's like Lord of the Flies–
I can't make them grow up any faster.
They can't control themselves, they fight like rabid dogs
but putting them to sleep's not an option.
Meanwhile my bank account is going down in flames…
Please can I put them up for adoption?

You think by now these little turds would learn some freaking compassion,
but self-preoccupation seems their only attraction.
Mister Speaker, Mister Speaker what the hell do I do?

Children on the right, children on the left, what am I to do?
This American dream is like a nightmare coming true.

Mister Speaker, I've a penny for your thoughts–
I think I might have found a solution.
You might not like it but something has got to pass,
these brats are killing my constitution.
I can't kick 'em out, I gotta wait another year–
you gotta finish up what you started
–but they're degenerating worse with every day.
It's time the little bastards departed.

The new arrivals won't shut up, no matter how much I shake 'em.
Their elders break their promises as fast as they make 'em.
It's time this tragedy of errors finally ended
'cause this is not the family my forefathers intended.
Mister Speaker, Mister Speaker what the hell do I do?


from Cognitive Dissonance, released June 23, 2017


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Matthew Ebel Seattle, Washington

I call myself a piano rocker, but I’m really just kind of a goofball. I’ve been playing the piano since age 5, discovered electronic music at 12, and made this stuff my career in '99. Since then I’ve played the Grand Ole Opry, been quoted in Rolling Stone, and made a name for myself in new media. I’ve been playing piano rock full-time since 2007 and since then I’ve never looked back. ... more

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